loved and loving

it's almost noon.

i'm here at my desk...looking for something to hold my gaze until he wakes up.

and then i'll look at him.

i'm fighting the urge to watch him sleep.
i wanna put my fingers in his dreams and weave pretty pictures for him to look at.

...until he wakes up and looks at me.

i'm in one of those moods...
i wanna cook him brunch
make sure he's fed all day...

keep him smiling
earn forehead kisses and bottom squeezes that make me giggle.

i keep trying to think of things to write, but he pours out.
all brown skin and strong hands and soft lips...

guess that's what i'm stuck with today.

but i'm not complaining...

today...

i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.

enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.

i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.

i am full of myself
and life
and love.

and i am happy.

awakening

everything seems to be clearer. it's coming together. quickly. in totally unexpected ways.

sometimes you forget you've asked, and when the answer comes, it can be disorienting.

other times, you're working in the dark. you grope, putting things together, testing them. occasionally you get a sliver of light to work by, then darkness again. but then the dawn comes and you see that you've birthed a masterpiece.

that's how this feels.
i had to see the answer to remember the question.
i've been working, but by less than candlelight. powered by faith.

but now, finally, the sun's on the horizon.
in the new light, i'm amazed by what i've put together.

maybe i can do anything after all.

lazarus ditches

(a dream)

somehow i was in nigeria (i've never actually been) where i watched a man get killed. i and some others had been traveling with him and i knew he was in danger, so i called to him so he wouldn't walk into the assault. he smiled and said he'd be ok, that he was ready for whatever. then they shot him. his name was olusegbon.

i had the sense there were other people there. i seemed to speak with them, but i don't know that i saw them. although we were near what looked like a very large, modern office/retail building, it had a large ditch full of water in front of it.

after olusegbon was shot, i looked down in the ditch and saw several bodies lying face down in murky water. there were some men on the side of the ditch pulling people out. as they got their heads above water, the people in the ditch would stand up and walk out, perfectly fine. the longer i looked, the more bodies piled up in the ditch. the men just kept pulling...

last night, i dreamt about another ditch. someone was face down in the mud next to it--apparently one of my cousins. the person standing next to me (my mother? hers?) was complaining that she needed to get up and clean herself off. when i looked down at her, it was apparent that the ditch itself was some kind of power center/chakra/wormhole. it pulsated with the heat/energy waves emanating from it. the liquid was almost white, milky.

as i looked at it, i had the distinct feeling of something trying to overtake me, but i wanted to stay conscious, so i let it wash over me without succumbing. still, there was so much energy in the air, i alternately felt my heart pounding and surges of electricity through my body.

my cousin never moved/stirred...she seemed fixated by whatever she was experiencing. even though she looked unconscious/immobile--like the other men in the ditch--somehow it was obvious to me that she was fine, just...not moving. as if she were overtaken by the energy in the water.

such powerful images...