heartbroken

i will not call you
and cry
even if i want to apologize.

it will have to wait until i can hold it together
breathe between words
maintain composure.

i refuse to allow you
the smallest glimpse into my pain.
you don't deserve even the intention of comforting me.

is that wrong of me?

i have sacrificed too many dreams and too much love
my selfishness is tied to my survival
now, i can give you nothing

use some of the too much you already have
to soothe your conscience or
ease your lonely nights
...if you need it.

my tears keep me company
an aching heart keeps time when we dance
i'm...
fine.

or, i will be...

notes on a sunset

easter pastel palette sky
pink, violet...hint of peach

solitary moon-pearl
opposite tangerine sun
setting fire to skyscraper glass

seen 2

an indio mother or grandmother with three babies.

two toddlers, a boy and a girl. there's a baby on her back, looking both modern and ancient.

baby's in a new school sling overwrapped with a traditionally tied blanket. baby wearing made slightly more convenient. the blanket makes things less sterile, secures in a different way.

i wonder if the babies will grow up here.

what will they keep of their home?

what will they leave behind?

what will be deliberately forgotten?

seen 1

people can be beautiful in the strangest moments.

there's a woman by the window with striking red hair. curly. the sun is coming through the window, and when she runs her hair through it, it's backlit like a stained glass window.

her shirt is royal purple and accents her coloring.

it occurs to me that scenes like this are what cause men to fall in love.

loving this...

shedding skin

rewind...

urban geisha

another introduction...

i am a woman who has always defined herself by the words she's put to innumerable pages.

pens are my scalpels and they spill ink blot guts everywhere. they soak the pages i hide throughout every living space i've ever inhabited--not unlike a schizophrenic leprechaun with an unlimited supply of gold.

i will write until i can no longer breathe.

the idea for this space was conceptualized in the middle of a late night, by a self in the process of nourishing, growing, and blossoming herself into the heavenly creature she was born to be.

that ain't easy to do in this here babylon.
but i'm gonna try anyway.

once upon a time

(birthed 8.2007)

can't figure out how to end this...but i wanted to give it some air and see how it sounded...

sometimes
my past lives flash before my eyes
like

standing bare-breasted
in the middle of the serengeti
watching lions and zebras walk by
under an impossibly brilliant blue sky
breathing
freely
and knowing precisely
who i am...

sometimes
it's the memory of a lover long gone
children i don't remember having
habits i pick up for an hour...or a day...

always illuminating
some glimmer of my current self
i think of as useless or
wrong...

reminding me that
without those selves
i couldn't be who i am
speak the stories i hear
dream the same dreams or
wield the same power...

in my mind...

...there are rooms like this

{original here, via here}

rewind...

i am in struggle...