progress...

the manuscript is up to 50ish pages, total.  but much of that is appendices, the intro, stuff like that.

i'd say maybe 40 pages is pure content.

excerpt posts coming...maybe?

post-retrograde flow...

this project has begun to write itself.  

it definitely needs polishing; the words aren't where i want them to be, but that's all right.  right now it's about laying the foundation.  drafts, drafting and more drafts ain't nothin but methodology.  

there's an outline now.  it's always been difficult to start with one.  instead, i enjoy letting the work independently shapeshift.  when it tells me what it is, then i can sketch a skeleton. 

if anyone's actually reading this, i know i'm being vague about the specifics.  although i've gotten quite a bit done, it's still gestating.  womb-darkness is the best thing for it.

off for some freewriting...

status report

the project is blossoming.  i'm fairly settled on the topic/tone, a format is emerging, and i've found a good voice.

i've learned to pace myself. i can get really excited about something only to wind up really burned out. i remind myself that i am crafting something, painting a very particular picture.  none of the books i love were kicked out in a month just because.

it will be finished when it's finished, and winter is a fantastic time for gestation.

there is no rush.

this is the part of the game where i congratulate myself for holding on to bits of "nothing" writing, even when i have no clue where it's going to go and it bugs the organizer in me. 'cause this bit of nothing is surely turning into something.

above all: i am grateful.

i thought about working tonight, but i realize i need to deal with some messages from last night, and get into my evening journaling.

plus it's the first full day of my moon cycle, and when that falls on a weekday, i try to take the evening to decompress.  getting too cerebral wouldn't be comfortable.

onward and upward...    

so...it's nanowrimo...

and i will not be writing a novel this month.

i've already committed myself to an inner check-in and a 100 day gratitude exercise beginning in december, so i'm easing into winter in a different way.

but there's a vision taking shape...

however, i did make some micromovements this evening.  might do some actual tweaking / writing / editing this weekend.

chills in the air slow me down considerably.

what am i doing?

so i took another look at "the project" last night, and read a little more Fruitflesh this morning.

all that brought me to this: what am i trying to write, really?

am i capable of writing a novel right now?  should i stick to short stories? i think any ambitious works of fiction would take some real workshopping to come to fruition.

am i fighting a proclivity towards memoir, diarist prose, and/or some kind of instructive / inspirational work? 

maybe i'd be better off kicking out a screenplay?

do i need to mix all of the above into some new stew?  

i'm thinking, not repressing.  still, i wonder what i might be doing since this thing isn't taking any discernible shape or form beyond characters introducing themselves at length.

i've also become aware that i haven't truly tapped into the essence of my writing or my identity as a writer since adolescence.  mainly because i spent so much time trying not to write.  there's some juicy issues in there...  

whatever. 

back to scribbling...
  

sweet surrender

so...i've been told (again) that i "have a book in me."

thanks, Universe.  i know.  there are several, actually. 

just gotta figure out which words to focus on first.

in the meantime--while also journaling and scribbling here and there--i'm reading Fruitflesh.

i'm not exactly sure whether i stumbled on Gayle Brandeis' website, or someone pointed me there.  but when i noticed it sitting in my amazon wishlist a couple of weeks ago, i figured i'd snatch it up.

typically i don't do well with workshoppy books {i quit too easily}, but this one's different: the kind of book with a texture, scent, feel...it's like instructive poetry.  and i'm a sucker for anything sensual.  she gets me.  

the idea is to read it once straight through, making notes here and there.  once i've done that, i'll work through the exercises i like or think will help my process. i'll post some of them here.

next: Stephen King's On Writing.  my ex gave it to me years ago, and it's been staring me in the face ever since.

beginnings

i started writing...pretty suddenly, in fact.

the hardest part is that i have no idea where the story is going, or if it's even a story. i could be scribbling some elaborate back story that doesn't even make it to the finished product.  whatever that is.  

i truly don't know.

and that's scary.

i used to stifle myself because i had to have a direction. after a certain age, i did not--for whatever reason--believe in trusting the process or the journey.  no clearly defined "project" meant no writing.

now i'm more willing to let that line that pops up at 3am guide me wherever it's trying to go.  i listen to the characters and transcribe their words; i don't immediately dismiss them because their story doesn't fit into whatever mold i thought i was dealing with.

the beginning is about loss of control.  pure flow...water from a faucet.

micromanagement is for editing.  

so, i've returned to youthful creative habits.  taking breaths and tuning in.  more deep listening than i thought possible...or maybe than i forgot was possible.

let's see where it takes me...

lab work

i've decided that i want my next writing project to be the last one for awhile.

meaning...i want to focus.

i've started many projects, but i don't know that i've ever finished anything beyond a short story.

i'd like to change that.

so while i'm gestating/formulating, this space may turn into a workshop brainstorm drawing board type thing.

i also have a creative playground to fool around in...that might be my primary tool to get the rivers flowing...

let's see what happens. 

current theme song: