i smelled you today.

well, more like
i smelled that same detergent
without you underneath.

but that was enough
to take me back
to nights in your bed
enfolded in firmly placed
nutmeg arms...
safer than i'd been in years.

hoping for that kiss
on the back of my neck
informing me
you weren't asleep
after all...


in gratitude

it is such a gift to be learning about myself in this way...

the magnitude and multitude of visions and dream layers.

the sweetness of opening to new experiences and ways of being.

the "chance" encounters that offer new perspective and lovely plumes of fresh air.

Spirit is awesome.



on: rediscovering energetic flow

for most of my life, i've been content to identify with water, immersing my pisces mermaidself in deep waters at every opportunity.

but i've come to understand that i'm also filled with heat; a flame that can manifest as anything from a flickering candle to a raging wildfire. the temperature varies as well; i've felt it red hot and icy cool.

hot or cool, it embraces and consumes like flame: fully. unapologetically.

now i know the cycle:

my water communes with the spirits.
my fire propels me through the density of this existence.
my air nourishes both.

*interestingly, there's no earth in my chart.

in the thunder and rain...

speaking of desire, pandora just reminded me that my first brush with visually-induced lust came with janet jackson's "any time, any place" video.

something about the colors, flashes of flesh...

the unseen, the implications...

that way she tossed her head back when he put his hands there, or there...

the audacity in declaring i don't care who's around... and, somehow, relating to that feeling. 

i prayed (as only a 15 year old girl can) that i'd get that neighbor in the joyous days when i was finally grown and living on my own...

haven't met him yet, though.


hearts & stars

for lf

curious cats
joined by sun and moon
and nearly as far apart.

i enjoy the effervescence
of zero gravity orbit,
but pray
for an eclipse.

circumstance is a strange thing.
it seems to stand in the way
when, actually,
it slowly, sweetly
opens spaces and bides time;
makes room for revelations and
well-timed whispers.


on: being

i know more than i realize,
yet have volumes to learn.

i am healed,
and still hurt.

i am closed
and open wide;

and bleeding;

and the holiest of holys.

i am earthbound
and a shining star
unique unto myself
like all the others.





although i've come to understand and accept the necessity of going underwater, i am still surprised at just how deep and how far under i'll go, given the time and space.

and i know that, over time, it'll only get deeper.

i try not to think of it as "losing days" or ignoring people...

i think (hope) my friends have come to understand...

sometimes the water grabs me.
and i have to let her have her way.

i'll always come back.


defining desire

sometimes my desire is so big, deep and wide, i can't imagine asking any mortal to satisfy it. 

i wouldn't know how to ask...

the physical is the most obvious. and fun.
but then you have to capture my heart.
and my spirit.

my mind is always aching to be fed, tickled, sweetened and challenged.

i hunger for meaning. 
for substance.
in everything.

there are no coincidences here.
no chance meetings or occurrences.

i desire with a passion that both intices and terrifies. attracts and repels. intrigues and intimidates.

i am deep.
and wide.

and i've stopped feeling sorry about it.

now, i'd just like to be filled.
with an intent to cultivate our seeds
and reap a fantastic harvest.


four months ago...

...i wrote this:

some days, i still feel really ugly.

and i don't really know what to do about it.

i don't look at people much anyway, but on days like this, i don't look at all; i can't stand to see myself in their eyes. mirrors are impossible. every compliment is a lie.

i go between acute pain and consummate numbness.  neither allows me to hold my head up any higher...

i can feel the truth fighting with the lies. it makes me tired.
all i want to do is rest...stop the warring factions in my mind...

then, the light surrounds me...i lean into it, appreciating the warmth even as i feel i don't deserve it. my shoulders ache, my stomach rebels.

if i could only stop eating, fade away to nothing... a quiet, soft leaving...

but i can't. if i've gotten this far without hurting myself, i won't start now.

i may never get on the list of the world's most beautiful people, but i'm not bad. i know that. just like i know i'm not worthless.  except for days when i turn into a black hole of need...

i'll never be loved enough, held long enough, kissed deeply enough. nothing takes the emptiness away, but i'll lure you in and let you try. i'm damaged goods...not fit for a trash heap. but since you think i'm cute, come here for a minute and show me...show me...i demand to be filled. appeased. eased. shown some mercy.  i'll laugh at you for trying...but try anyway.

this isn't me all the time. or even most of the time. just sometimes....and, now, there are years between the sometimes.

still, when it comes, it floods me--the emptiness. if i can, i fill it with sweet things. but there are times the bitterness wins out.  of course there's also the bittersweet...the mish moshed yin yang of negatively positive thoughts...

i'm posting it now because while i cannot truthfully claim i'll never feel this way again, i do feel that these moments are destined to be few and even farther between.

this will serve as my reminder.

healing is always waiting to happen.