girl talk {a monologue}

{TRIGGER WARNING - the piece that follows contains descriptions of sexual coercion, harsh language.}

i think it's cute y'all have memories of innocent little crushes and things. butterfly kisses and love pats in the hallway between classes.

i don't know that anyone's ever had an innocent anything about me. all i ever heard was how somebody wanted to fuck. get all up inbetween my something or squeeze on something else.

i mean, of course i'd kiss a boy i liked. i didn't mind freak-dancing and all that, either.  but i wanted to do it when i wanted to. not 'cause somebody forced me.

sure, they tried, in their way. i suppose i was too big to physically push around...not like the smaller, cuter girls. so they'd call me names when i didn't let them do what they wanted. i could go from bein' fine as hell to the ugliest bitch on the planet in less than sixty seconds. ain't that nothin'?

i don't know how i came to love their asses so much, considering how they used to treat me. i guess it's just my way.

oh, yeah, i knew sweet boys, too. they were my friends, cool to hang out with.  maybe play football -- i was a bit of a tomboy.  and i had my little boyfriends, you know.  almost always older than me, though. but, come to think of it, they still wanted to touch.  hm.

but the nasty boys were somethin' else. they taught me how to be quiet. how to feign impenetrability.

they always say "don't let 'em see you sweat", right? "just ignore 'em."

that didn't stop it, though. nothing seemed to stop it.

guess there was something soft about me...something they wanted to touch, get close to.  made 'em feel like they should own me some kinda way. 

it woulda been nice to have one of those crushes like y'all talkin'.  really.