lazarus ditches

(a dream)

somehow i was in nigeria (i've never actually been) where i watched a man get killed. i and some others had been traveling with him and i knew he was in danger, so i called to him so he wouldn't walk into the assault. he smiled and said he'd be ok, that he was ready for whatever. then they shot him. his name was olusegbon.

i had the sense there were other people there. i seemed to speak with them, but i don't know that i saw them. although we were near what looked like a very large, modern office/retail building, it had a large ditch full of water in front of it.

after olusegbon was shot, i looked down in the ditch and saw several bodies lying face down in murky water. there were some men on the side of the ditch pulling people out. as they got their heads above water, the people in the ditch would stand up and walk out, perfectly fine. the longer i looked, the more bodies piled up in the ditch. the men just kept pulling...

last night, i dreamt about another ditch. someone was face down in the mud next to it--apparently one of my cousins. the person standing next to me (my mother? hers?) was complaining that she needed to get up and clean herself off. when i looked down at her, it was apparent that the ditch itself was some kind of power center/chakra/wormhole. it pulsated with the heat/energy waves emanating from it. the liquid was almost white, milky.

as i looked at it, i had the distinct feeling of something trying to overtake me, but i wanted to stay conscious, so i let it wash over me without succumbing. still, there was so much energy in the air, i alternately felt my heart pounding and surges of electricity through my body.

my cousin never moved/stirred...she seemed fixated by whatever she was experiencing. even though she looked unconscious/immobile--like the other men in the ditch--somehow it was obvious to me that she was fine, just...not moving. as if she were overtaken by the energy in the water.

such powerful images...

a moment out of time

i removed myself from the larger dance circle, taking a place beside my godsister and opting to do a simple two-step instead. omo sango, i simply cannot hear drums and sit still, but figured i'd be safe if i wasn't too close...

before i knew it, i felt surrounded; ancestral energy enveloped me, awakened by the rhythms, candlelight, shrines and offerings.

i thought i would cry, but instead my hands instinctively raised themselves in namaskaram and i shifted a bit...still two-stepping, but feeling myself drift away slightly. gradually, my body swayed side to side as my feet slowed.

the beginning of the end of me.

i didn't know how long the song would last, so i didn't want to surrender completely, but the pull was too strong to resist. infectious joy.

i allowed another to control my feet, shoulders, arms. i knew i was doing some dance i'd normally have to consciously learn--maybe even with some difficulty.

one of the many foremothers whose names i'll never know was teaching me to dance. was dancing through me. wanted to know how i had found home all the way across the water. grateful that her daughter was as moved by the beat as she once was.

the drums pulsated in my ears...i thought i had drifted towards them, or the master drummer had risen and danced across the room. i forced my eyes open for a moment and realized i had only moved about a foot to the left; the drums remained in a corner to my far right, just beyond the altar.

drums have come to greet me before...calling, calling calling...begging me to come and dance. come and move. come and be.

instead of fighting it off, i let the sounds wash over and through me, partially controlling the dance, partially letting it control me.

the drums faded, and she went with them.
i thanked her; she promised to come again. any time i wanted to dance.

just like the one who grasped the drum and beat out rhythms i couldn't know...

just like the one who wielded a machete to cut sugarcane and lent me her strength...

just like the ones who descended to let me know i was on the right path...

they love us
watch over us
are us.

adupe o

ase.

firemoonwater

i've been having those deep, dark days lately. fading with the moon.
moods everywhere; dreams i try to remember, but can't always.
trying to keep one foot on this plane while longing for the next...

i may be marked for kabiyesile, but i can still walk the ocean floor.
sometimes it can make me feel unsettled, unbalanced, unusual.

but then he told me he loved all of me...

and i smiled.

dreaming of oshun...

as i prayed, i poured out some honey and it splashed all over me...instead of being annoyed, i smiled gleefully.

i licked it off my fingers, enjoying all of it...huge, golden gobs. it ran down my pantleg and i laughed.

and, suddenly, everything was just fine.

untitled

if i am your angel,
you're my avenging blade.

if i have any hand in your healing,
i know it's because you guard my sanctuary.

woman

who can doubt our divinity when hearing a song like this?
i always wonder who the inspiration was...

i can't know how many times i've incarnated as a woman and/or a female of a species, but there has to be a reason those are the memories and dreams that have left the most lasting impression.

priestess
wonder
mother
creator
qadishtu
shape shifter
worker
codetalker

woman.

goodies

it came to me to add a phrase to my personal hallelujahs:

...and that is right and perfect and wonderful @ this time.

i'm sure y'all are aware of how bullshit notions of perfection can ruin perfectly good moments/weeks/months/years. hell, bullshit notions of all kinds abound in this society/culture.

to counter that, it's essential to learn to realize when something is deliciously right, right now.

that doesn't mean it'll be good for you next week. or even tomorrow.

but if it's good now, enjoy it. revel in it.

gratitude--even for the little things--multiplies blessings.

overflow...

i walked in hoping i'd be able to get down some thoughts and feelings, but i can't seem to form the words yet. everything is just too amorphous and full of pure emotion and feeling...

but i am happy
and grateful.

the universe is conspiring to revert me
to my fuller-than-full,
brazen hussy,
flirtatious,
bliss-creating,
pleasure-loving self.

...and i am ecstatic.

a story.

once upon a time there was a woman
and she met a man.

she loved the man through things
despite other things
and above and beyond the rest.

but the yang spilled across the curves and swirls, overcoming the yin...
too many arguments
bloody battles
days and nights alone.

the man was used to wielding a sword
but the woman couldn't weave light through the armor.

so she left.

heavy hearted
wounded
exhausted.

however, destined to never be alone for long, she soon encountered sweetness.
battle fatigue gave way to smiles
brilliant afternoons
long nights
and glittering laughter.

slowly, she laid down the sword and shield,
dusted off her honeypot,
and breathed
fresh air
in the presence of a truer reflection.

...thank you for being an element in the (r)evolution.

a castle surrounded by concrete...

ancestral dreams last night.

i floated in and out of consciousness as all kinds of people drifted around and through me...encouraging, blessing, simply saying hello.

i can never hear, remember, or translate it all, but i am grateful for the visit, and i am always glad to see them.

just a reminder of the shoulders on which we stand.