the interview {a monologue}

{TRIGGER WARNING - the piece that follows contains descriptions of molestation/rape/incest and harsh language.}

you wanna know something about me? ok. here's something: imagine being in love with your cousin.

what? nah, not on some victorian whitefolks bullshit. more like somebody fucked him up so he fucks with you. not really on purpose, nahmean? he just needs to work some shit out. and you're there. so it's on you.

oh. you ain't gotta look at me like that. it's ok--i mean, it wasn't violent or no shit like that. a 12 year old dick can't do all that much damage, right? it was more like "lie down. pull your pants down". he wasn't even loud or mean about it.  i don't remember being hurt.

it was more of a mindfuck, honestly. it didn't feel right. it was strange, definitely. out of place. as soon as i was on the floor and he started fooling with his clothes, i wanted to run. or yell. but...maybe it was an experiment?  some kinda test? i suppose i passed 'cause i stayed cool.

after that i think i was up on his games and tried to stay away.  other stuff happened...it didn't go that far again, tho.  but i was scared to be alone with him for a long while.

did i forget? nah. felt like a dream, tho.  til i actually wanted to make love to somebody.  that's when all hell broke loose...   

but anyway, as we got older, he started to ignore me like most teenagers ignore their little cousins. i took it hard, but didn't let on. now i realize it actually broke my heart.

no, seriously. i mean, like, ok--so this person does this thing and you know somehow it's fucked up and wrong, at the same time, it endears you to them.  shit, they're already family.  but then your feelings get all tangled and you don't know which way is up.  we're talkin 5 to 8 years old. 

huh? yeah, i was a smart kid and all that. but that ain't the point. this ain't have shit to do with being smart. this was knowing. i knew something about myself, about feelings, about my body, that i knew most other kids didn't know.  there were games i wouldn't play.  i got nervous when folks wanted to play "seven minutes in heaven", house, doctor...all that shit.  i was always afraid it'd go too far.

hm? oh. yeah. well, you know, i shrug when folks talk about "puppy love"...i don't remember that. all my shit's been real. any semblance of first love i had was twisted. had to scrap all that and start over. when i had my first boyfriend, that wasn't the usual teenage thing.  in some aspects, yeah.  but in the main? that shit was grown to me.

know what else? i learned love was power. you could do a lot to a muthafucka when they loved you.  all the limits change. no matter how you whip up on 'em, they'll come back for more. i put my first boyfriend through some shit, f'real. he stuck by me, though.

for the longest, i thought boys didn't feel like girls did. how could they? they just wanted a playtoy; something to feel up on and walk away from.  forget you existed afterward. they liked ignoring you.  i really believed that. 

my dad? he's cool. no issues there.

see, i think it's different when this kind of shit happens between kids.  if this translated to anything in particular, it was dudes who wanted to date me, love me.  peers.  they were the ones i assumed didn't give a damn as long as i gave them what they wanted.    

what made it even worse was that i've always loved boys. i had boys as friends when most girls just had cooties or whatever the hell. i loved to climb trees. i liked snakes--fk a spider, tho.   

sorry. got off track. nah, i wasn't all hot in the ass, not really. like i said, my first real boyfriend was cool. but...before that, nah. i got a lot of nasty shit thrown at me, tho.

in middle school, there was one boy who would put his hands all over me in english class and brag about it later.  i remember all his boys gigglin about it and shit.  they thought i liked it til  i fked his arm up one day. teacher didn't even say shit. actually wondered why i hadn't clocked him sooner.    

in another class, i sat between two boys--math, i think. in one of those godawful cubicle things that oughta just be used for testing.  anyway, i don't know if it lasted one day or the whole semester, but one ear was full of "i wanna fuck you" and the other was sayin how his dick was as thick as my ponytails...i guess they were on some tag team shit...

nasty bastards.

then there was a contingent that couldn't spend enough time ranting about how fking ugly, too tall, and "weird" i was... that all but ruined social studies.  i guess they were mad 'cause i didn't let 'em rub on my tits or reach for their nasty little knobs.

i didn't know what the fuck was up.  was i cute enough to fuck?  too ugly to look at? both? 

well, damn, what you think? hell yeah that shit hurt my feelings. it's like...subliminal or something. fucks with you in all kinds of ways. it took months to get those voices outta my head. years before i wore clothes that fit.

but, shit. that ain't nothin compared with what some have been through.  i kinda got off easy. 

you must not know too many women. 'specially not sistas.