what follows is a freewrite/stream of consciousness.
i shared it with some close friends a little over a year ago and just re-discovered it. i am releasing it now, slightly edited, because it is still true; because these holes are still deep, aching and open.
because the release is the only thing that has ever truly soothed my soul. because there are many days when honesty and transparency are all i have.
because my soul is not satisfied.
i just want to be loved.
i don't want to hate anything.*
i just want to be loved RIGHT.
i want to be loved well
i want to be purposeful in my living.
i want to be adored, pampered.
i want to adore and pamer in return.
i want to love as well as i'm being loved.
i want to have someone to come home to.
i want someone to play [with my cat] when i don't feel like it.
i want my passion in life.
i want my lifework.
i want to be free and whole and beautiful.
i want to open again.
i want to trust
i want to connect and love and feel
i want to feel safe and held and supported and encouraged...not pushed out the door to someone else, but to stay at home and be my full, true self. with him.
i want to be cared for and matched evenly.
i want to be stimulated and made necessary.
i want him to love my food.
i want to love his.
i want to be needed, but not depended upon in some dysfunctional way.
i want to be stroked, kissed, licked, gently bitten
i want to radiate this love from my pores and glow.
i want to know that this is something that will last. that has lasted.
i want my ancestors to be happy with him.
i want my families to be happy with him.
i want him to know my spirit and know his.
i want a wonderful compliment, partner and confidante.
...actually, all those are needs.
i need those things
i don't just want them
that's what i need in my life right now instantly yesterday in this moment, at this hour, this second, but most importantly this lifetime.
i don't know why it's been so elusive so far, but i'm trying to get my hands on it.
i need so much because i have to be so much. if i'm going to have to be all these great things, then i'll need someone closer to me than all others, someone to see me through it all. the work that i can sink my soul into. the projects that will truly feed and nourish me.
i don't know why it's so difficult to figure out what i'm meant to do...
maybe because it's so obvious i'm not even thinking of it.
i'll use the words.
but there has to be something else.
i'm trying to stay open and cool and calm but it's hard when you need so many things and it feels like you haven't been sated in sooo long...
i stay hungry.
and not in a good, hip hop type way.
wild woman issues.
i need food. deeply.
*i hate the whole fking thing. i hate that it made me distrust. i hate that it made me afraid to love again. i hate that he left a hole, just like [others who won't be named here]. i hate that he hurt me. i hate that he walked away and i didn't get to claw at his eyes a bit. i hate that i have to be nice about it. i hate that he gets to be babied and loved about it and i just get to sit with this pain and anger and disgust. i hate that i'm strong enough to let it all go, so no one worries about me, when i have this deep hole and this anger and this pain and i don't know how to get rid of it or what can make it better.