full

{birthed jan. 2006}

he says i'm full lately...
becoming womanly.
i feel
big
heavy with creativity
universes
potentialities.

my babies
lack physical manifestation--
i bear lyrical children
foster positive living environments for metaphors
carry messages on my hips
diplomatically translated
by my inbetween.

i am
more woman now
no need to roar...
returning to the comfort
of womb whispers
and peacock feathers.

my weapons:
earth tones
headwraps
and bluejeans.

call me boho if u wanna
i was who i was
when erykah wasn't on the radar yet
and india was stll singin in coffeeshops

...hoppin planets
just for fun
ain't too much in my line of sight
worthy of keeping me grounded.

dreams reflected
in diamond sutras
and wide-ruled notebooks...
don't care if you think
i'm perpetuating bullshit
goddess/empress/queen images
unrealistic pussy powers.

complexity is my birthright.

why perpetuate mediocrity?
inferiority?

i am made in the image of
god
ancestors
africans
angels

who are you keeping alive?

i am
more woman now
heavy
heavy
heavy...

i am
due
today.

the longing

what follows is a freewrite/stream of consciousness.

i shared it with some close friends a little over a year ago and just re-discovered it. i am releasing it now, slightly edited, because it is still true; because these holes are still deep, aching and open.

because the release is the only thing that has ever truly soothed my soul.  because there are many days when honesty and transparency are all i have.

because my soul is not satisfied.

chant

you don't have to love me
just love my body
need me
like water
like water
drippin' like water

drink me
there is enough to quench any thirst
you've ever had

tease me
please me
please
i won't beg
...much more

gimme
gimme
gimme more
savory kisses 
sweet tongue flicks
turn sentences into stutters
with naughty whispered words

use me
for good or ill

all is fair, here, love

you don't have to love me
don't have to love me
just
need me
savor me
drink me
like water...

note

i think of you far more often than i should.

your sweetness, clarity of spirit, intelligence and way with words practically compel me to want you.

you bear the water i swim in...

i don't mean to imply it's a forever thing.
i am not the mother of your children or the apple of your eye.

...and i don't need to be.

what i need is a little of your honey rubbed into my sore spots.
i'll return your favors with deep kisses and fire warmth.

...if you like. 
it's up to you.

i won't push this time.  only wait.

tell mama the truth

no, i'm not warm enough.
and i didn't have enough to eat.

i did brush my teeth
and put on clean underwear
...that's the easy part.

but i don't know where i'm going
and i'm not ok...

yeah, i need the money
no, i won't ask.
i'm enough trouble
already

don't mean to lie,
i'm just not worth the worry.

you're sweet to ask,
but,
i'll get by.

thought.

i love dew rainbows.

dewdrops already look like almost-microscopic universes.

the miracle of the sun's kiss forming dazzling little arrays of color is simply poetic.

heartbroken

i will not call you
and cry
even if i want to apologize.

it will have to wait until i can hold it together
breathe between words
maintain composure.

i refuse to allow you
the smallest glimpse into my pain.
you don't deserve even the intention of comforting me.

is that wrong of me?

i have sacrificed too many dreams and too much love
my selfishness is tied to my survival
now, i can give you nothing

use some of the too much you already have
to soothe your conscience or
ease your lonely nights
...if you need it.

my tears keep me company
an aching heart keeps time when we dance
i'm...
fine.

or, i will be...

notes on a sunset

easter pastel palette sky
pink, violet...hint of peach

solitary moon-pearl
opposite tangerine sun
setting fire to skyscraper glass

seen 2

an indio mother or grandmother with three babies.

two toddlers, a boy and a girl. there's a baby on her back, looking both modern and ancient.

baby's in a new school sling overwrapped with a traditionally tied blanket. baby wearing made slightly more convenient. the blanket makes things less sterile, secures in a different way.

i wonder if the babies will grow up here.

what will they keep of their home?

what will they leave behind?

what will be deliberately forgotten?

seen 1

people can be beautiful in the strangest moments.

there's a woman by the window with striking red hair. curly. the sun is coming through the window, and when she runs her hair through it, it's backlit like a stained glass window.

her shirt is royal purple and accents her coloring.

it occurs to me that scenes like this are what cause men to fall in love.

loving this...

shedding skin

rewind...

urban geisha

another introduction...

i am a woman who has always defined herself by the words she's put to innumerable pages.

pens are my scalpels and they spill ink blot guts everywhere. they soak the pages i hide throughout every living space i've ever inhabited--not unlike a schizophrenic leprechaun with an unlimited supply of gold.

i will write until i can no longer breathe.

the idea for this space was conceptualized in the middle of a late night, by a self in the process of nourishing, growing, and blossoming herself into the heavenly creature she was born to be.

that ain't easy to do in this here babylon.
but i'm gonna try anyway.

once upon a time

(birthed 8.2007)

can't figure out how to end this...but i wanted to give it some air and see how it sounded...

sometimes
my past lives flash before my eyes
like

standing bare-breasted
in the middle of the serengeti
watching lions and zebras walk by
under an impossibly brilliant blue sky
breathing
freely
and knowing precisely
who i am...

sometimes
it's the memory of a lover long gone
children i don't remember having
habits i pick up for an hour...or a day...

always illuminating
some glimmer of my current self
i think of as useless or
wrong...

reminding me that
without those selves
i couldn't be who i am
speak the stories i hear
dream the same dreams or
wield the same power...

in my mind...

...there are rooms like this

{original here, via here}

rewind...

i am in struggle...